so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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