i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
