it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
