Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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