Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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