last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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