Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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