Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
