some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
