You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
