textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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