were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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