Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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