I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
