I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
