Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
