If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
