yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
