Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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