Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
