i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
