you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Ketchup is God's man juice
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
