so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
