There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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