Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
