Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
