you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i drank out of a bidet.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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