dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
