looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize