Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
