Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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