dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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