We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
