after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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