soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
