Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
