a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
