He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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