I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
