I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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