Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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