I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
