I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i out mim tonsoeep
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
