Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
