Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
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