You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I fill condoms, not promises.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
