There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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