There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
