Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
