he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
