God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
