whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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