Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
