i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
