Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
