theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
