I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
do herpes really smell.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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