I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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