So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I looked at my own cervix.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
