youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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