Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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